Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
