Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well I just put wine in my tea
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
