You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He passed out mid-signature
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
