Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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