guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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