No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
