just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Come on in and take your pants off
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