Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
