I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
