You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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