Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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