Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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