Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
