These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
