Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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