We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
