last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
