My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
