hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
