i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
if only i could text you this smell
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
