we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
