I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
