my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
a search helicopter?!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
