there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
