got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
