Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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