Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
