Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
