I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
