in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Im part way to drunk.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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