Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
