I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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