just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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