John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
