I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
