i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
