24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
