You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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