How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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