i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
