mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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