Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
