How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
