Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
