Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
