see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
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The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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