Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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