So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
