Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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