just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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