Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
