I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
