I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
