so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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