I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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