UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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