I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
