I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Randomize
