your thong is hanging out like whoa
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Randomize
