I am puke
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
