New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
