i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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