Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
